Weathering the storm

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It’s been ages since I’ve posted anything here.

I got busy with my first job (well, I’m still in the training phase) and it’s taken the piss out of me, to be honest.

But over the course of two weeks, I find that I’ve been an oblivious twat to the things that have been going on around me.

Problems at home and with my family are some things I never thought I’d experience or feel drained off by, but here I’m.

I guess the fights have been going on for nearly two weeks or so, but the reason behind them is what brought me down to my knees. Who else could I confide in, but my brother? So, I called him up and told him about this whole thing…

And came the next bombshell.

Seems he’s been fighting his own demons and been having some health problems of his own. My brother’s one of the strongest guys I’ve ever known, and he was besieged by a big stack of his own problems. This only left him more drained.

The fact that my family was getting kicked in the shins left, right and center brought out  feelings I hadn’t felt in ages.

Desperation.

Sadness.

I cried.

I couldn’t cry at home and so I took my bike and went to the nearest church I could find, all the while, controlling the tears that tried to find an opening.

I reached the church and fell on my knees in front of the statue and cried.

I hadn’t cried for a long time that the whole action felt weirdly alien by then. I could only ask this one word to him.

WHY??

I couldn’t muster the strength to thank the Lord like I usually did. I did that for the fact that my family was going great. What I’ve been witnessing these few days was anything but great.

And I thought my brother’s life was good as it gets. Only now do I find out that his life was beset with bigger problems than us.

And here was little old me, helpless and unable to do shit.

I guess that’s one of the things about being a grown up of 21.

You know what is going down, but you don’t enough of how to move forward with it. That creates the worst feeling ever to hit the heart.

The fact that you are fucking helpless to do anything about the ship that’s sinking, and anything you do would only make it even worse.

Today I felt worse than yesterday, and I didn’t want to confide in my friends for this and I couldn’t find any other outlet to express my feelings.

And so I rant about my pent up feelings on my blog.

It doesn’t make things any better, but it sure does take a slight weight off me. It isn’t much, but I’ll take it.

Maybe it’s just a temporary thing, maybe it will all work out fine in the end (Here’s dearly hoping), maybe it won’t…..

Who knows??

For now,

I just want something to help me weather the storm.

Something.

Anything.

 

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