How to build up your Confidence

There goes the Alpha. You know who I’m talking about.

Calm, confident, collected, charismatic, handsome, confident. The guy just oozes class and confidence. Women love that guy and men want to be like that guy, if not be that guy themselves. He’s the top performer at the office, the bosses love him, he can handle any situation without breaking a sweat, he can approach anyone and everyone with a smile on his face and make them his best buddy.

From the view of the outsider, he’s the epitome of the alpha. Nothing would go wrong with him. He’s blessed with the best luck, the outsider might rue.

That outsider might be you. Feeble, meek, nervous, devoid of any confidence, a dark void where your self-esteem used to be, pretty boring that you think you can’t hold an interesting conversation to save your dear life. You aren’t exactly the toast of the town and you aren’t the first choice that springs in the minds of most. A part of you definitely wants to be like that alpha. But another part of will say, “That’s impossible. I mean, look at him. You can only dream of becoming like him. Hell, you shouldn’t even be dreaming.

And so, you live your life away from the spotlight, content with what you are and what you have, drowning your sorrows in Netflix, pizza and beer, performing the same mind-numbing drudgery day in, day out and once in a while, you do wonder if you can escape this monotonous existence and become a paragon of confidence that you envision yourself as, before falling prey to the routine.

A lot of people have already said this. So, let me parrot it out as well.

You can.

It’s going to take a lot of hard work, humiliation, perseverance and patience, but yeah, it’s totally possible to regain your confidence and become that alpha that you so admire from afar.

Here are a few steps to regain your confidence. This applies to everyone, be it guys, girls or anyone else. For the sake of brevity, I’ll be talking from the guy’s point of view.


Embrace and Learn from Failure

I’m pretty sure that some of you might have had confidence when you were young. Maybe you were the blue-eyed boy of the class and your family owing to your skills and talent and what have you. Then you face failure. Some shrivel due to it, some shrug it off. Then, failure hits you with a big shovel a few more times, before you say “I give up”.

You are scared of failure. Failure has stripped you of all confidence. Failure has humiliated you. You don’t want to attempt anything new or bold for fear of another failure and a bout of humiliation. So you say to yourself, “I couldn’t possible do that. It’s beyond my capabilities.

And this is where the difference between the confident people and the feeble ones begin. Confident people view failure as a learning stone to success and the feeble ones consider failure as a roadblock that can’t be destroyed. Never shrivel from failure and always learn from it. There is literally no one on this Earth who hasn’t faced failure.

The difference is that some people shrug off failure, learn from failure and find a new way to increase a crack in the wall, before it fully collapses and there are some who just tell themselves that they can never do it. Always be the first guy.

Never say can’t

No, I’m not going to dish out lines like “God has a plan” and “Always be happy, even in defeat” and other such gems. But even those lines masquerading as philosophy do get one thing right, as have the countless books and works of art over the years.

Words have power. They can empower you or destroy you.

It doesn’t have to be some bombastic declaration like “I’m the master of this universe and this world is my oyster.“. Oh, dear me no. It just needs to be, “I can do this. Screw anyone who says different.” You may wonder what’s the point? Just because I said “I can”, it will happen?? I thought like that too. Try it though.

You may win, you may lose. But you did something that you thought you could never pull off, even if by a small margin. Some part of you should have gone “Huh. I can kinda do it.”. Now do it again. And again. And again.

You’ll slowly find your confidence grow in spades and you will be able to pull off stuff that you previously thought impossible. All because you said “can” instead of “can’t”.

Trust me, words have a fearful power. He who understands that, is already on the path to confidence.

Get Fit

I’m pretty sure that some people will think, “It’s what on the inside that counts.”. I will not disagree with you. But anyone who says that’s the only thing that counts is an outright stinking liar. Let’s see you try to score a date on Tinder or Bumble while looking like a fat slob. You might be the nicest, sweetest and funniest guy in the whole world. It won’t matter a damn.

Truth of the fact is, people still value external appearances in any field. There’s a reason that some handsome film star or starlet has a legion of fans, even if their acting is for shit and they are somewhat assholes. So, now that’s out of the way, haul your ass and get it fit!!

It doesn’t necessarily have to be weight training. Not everyone loves strength training. Try MMA, boxing, running, crossfit, swimming, trekking, basically any sport or activity that can make you feel like you’re dying in a matter of minutes

You’ll notice a spike in energy levels. You’ll feel more empowered and confident. That new jeans that was giving you trouble suddenly fits like a glove. You look damn fine in that black shirt you were keeping a tab on. Slightly added boost of confidence.

Then, people on the road start looking in your direction. Some of them will come up and say that you look smart and fit. Major boost of confidence. A bonus of this is you can network with some cool guys at your gym and gain contacts that are beneficial in the long run.

It’s a win-win situation.

Dress Nice

This falls under the “people value external appearances” remit, but this is even more important. Unless you are Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg, don’t expect anyone to take you seriously in a hoodie and a pair of flip-flops.

Dress sharp. It can be a simple, but elegant shirt and pant or a suit that oozes class. Just watch people give you a look of approval. That dress will give you an air of authority amongst strangers. To them, that sharp dress is basically saying, “This guy is serious about this. He can handle this task.” Again, boost of confidence. It doesn’t have to be an Armani shirt or some Savoy suit. A well tailored suit, a good pair of shoes and a matching belt and a good set of ties, a bunch of well made shirts and pants will make a whole lot of difference.

Talk, Talk, Talk

It’s definitely not a crime to be an introvert. But being an introvert can be detrimental in a few ways. There is always the fact that introverts don’t talk to people much. Add in that lack of confidence and you have got yourself a destructive loner, who can’t for that life of him, talk to anyone even in a life and death situation. This is even more dangerous for people looking to start a business or enter the high rungs of the corporate ladder.

Maybe you are nervous talking to girls, maybe you are nervous talking to guys, maybe you are nervous talking to people in general. It doesn’t matter. You can and will talk. Humans are social animals and that’s a law of nature. If you think you can stand against nature, be my guest.

So, how to pull this off? Talk to random strangers. It doesn’t have be a discourse on the Iliad or Odyssey. Start with a simple “Hi” and a small smile. Some will respond, some won’t, some will even give you a mean eye or run away from you. Don’t be discouraged.

Make small talk with people you see and slowly, you’ll overcome that fear of talking to people and before long, you’ll be greeting people with that smile that you saw that alpha lead with. That is a major boost in confidence.

Think big, Break it down and savor the small wins

A lot of people lose confidence because of failure. I’ve mentioned that. I should also mention that people fail like that because they tackle humongous tasks without any planning, action and when they fail, they think they fail big and lose every iota of confidence they had. While fortune favors the brave, it also favors the prepared.

Anytime you are about to tackle a mammoth task, take some time to plan out your strategy or plan of action. A well thought out plan is half the battle won. Break down the task into small tasks and subsections that can be achieved in small amounts and make a timeline leading up to D-day.

Now, work your ass off it. You will be making small wins. But somewhere, the cynic within you will think,”It’s a small win. It doesn’t amount to anything.” Don’t listen to that. Just work and see those small wins compound into a massive victory for you over a period of time. You’ll feel a sense of pride and accomplishment over having a task that bulldozed you the last time.


Now, look at that alpha. While you think he has it easy, think like this. Maybe he too was a nervous guy who had no sense of confidence in himself. Maybe, he built himself up over time and now he’s reaping the rewards of his work. Think like that and work your way towards building your confidence.

All the best for your journey.

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